Below, Sam has bravely shared her experience with child-on-parent abuse.
As a parent, I found myself increasingly overwhelmed by my child’s behaviour, which often escalated into verbal and emotional abuse. There were moments when I felt helpless, unsure how to manage the anger and frustration that led to these outbursts. In those situations, I found myself reacting impulsively, raising my voice or withdrawing, which only deepened the conflict and left us both feeling disconnected.
I wanted to stop the cycle of escalating anger, but I didn’t know where to begin. The turning point came when I decided to approach Freeva to ask for help; they recommended some de-escalation techniques to try.
The Techniques:
Take A Breath:
In the heat of the moment, the urge to react emotionally was often overwhelming. However, I made a commitment to pause and take a deep breath before responding. This small act of grounding myself made a huge difference. It allowed me to step back from the situation, calm my nervous system, and avoid escalating the conflict further. By staying calm, I could set a steady tone, which helped my child see that I was not reacting out of anger.
Listen & Validate:
Once I had grounded myself, I focused on listening to my child’s feelings. In moments of distress, they just needed to feel heard. I began using phrases like, “I see you’re upset. Let’s work through this together.” By acknowledging their emotions, I was able to create a sense of empathy, letting them know that I wasn’t dismissing their experience.
Set Simple Boundaries:
During these tense moments, it was essential to set clear, calm boundaries without being confrontational. I would gently remind my child, “I want us to be safe. Let’s find a way to calm down.” This statement helped me communicate the importance of mutual respect and safety, while also diffusing the situation. Rather than engaging in a power struggle, I focused on setting the tone for a peaceful resolution.
Offer Choices:
Instead of demanding compliance or enforcing rules, I gave my child simple choices. For example, I’d say, “Would you like to sit with me or take a moment alone to calm down?” Giving them a sense of control in the situation helped reduce resistance. It also reminded them that they had a say in how things played out.
Reconnect
After the situation had calmed down, I made sure to reconnect with warmth. This was important because it reinforced that even during difficult moments, we were a team. It also helped to show my child that every challenge was an opportunity for growth, both for them and for me.
How we can help you
Since incorporating these de-escalation techniques, I’ve noticed a dramatic shift in our interactions. The cycle of escalating anger has diminished, and our arguments have become less intense. By grounding myself and focusing on empathy, boundaries, and empowerment, I feel more confident in my ability to navigate difficult moments. I am no longer stuck in the cycle of abuse; instead, I am actively helping to create a peaceful, supportive home environment.
With Freeva’s help and advice, I’ve been able to break the pattern of conflict and foster a more peaceful relationship. It’s a journey, and while there is still work to be done, the progress we’ve made together gives me hope for the future.
